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MURPHY'S BLOG

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: The Finale

This is it. The end of one of the weirdest seasons in The Bachelor franchise to date. And since this is the finale we're treated to plenty of "Live" cut-ins from Chris Harrison telling us the wait is over. Except the wait would REALLY be over if he would stop cutting in! Especially since the fact that he buttons BOTH of his suit buttons made me unreasonably angry.

I have a feeling Kaitlyn at this point feels the way I do after picking my Final Four bracket teams. I make my picks all the way through, I get to the championship game and go, "How the hell did I end up with THESE two?!"

Back in Utah, the guys pack for California and we're reminded that they love Kaitlyn just as much as they hate each other.

In Malibu we meet Kaitlyn's family (again) and PLEASE tell me that's not their real home because it is an amazing new cliff side beach resort house and I'd buy it now if I had the money but I never will. Kaitlyn tells them she is in love with two men. Mom and sis are prejudiced against Nick based on Andi's season and they're concerned Kaitlyn has been blinded by Nick's snake-oil salesmanship (she has). Kaitlyn tries to explain why Nick and Shawn hate each other and describes hooking up with Nick as "Oh, whoops!"

Nick is first up to meet the fam. He's calm and collected until Kaitlyn tells him she told everyone that they hooked up in Dublin. Inside, Nick sits down with Kaitlyn's mom and she says what we're all thinking, that her perception of Nick is that he's "possessive, jealous, arrogant" and asks, "Who are you? Are you surprised you're here?" Nick gives her his stock line that he's not there to be on the show again and he just came because it was Kaitlyn. What does she like about him? Nick says he brings out a vulnerability in her. Nick starts crying and says, "If she'll have me, I want her for the rest of my life." He breaks tradition a little and asks her mom's permission. The whole production totally wins mom over. She says Nick, "showed me his heart" and "I was totally wrong about him."

Unfortunately for Nick, he gives the EXACT same speech to dad, almost verbatim. You can't blame him for scripting out in his head what he wants to say in this very important moment, but you can blame the producers for showing it every time he did it. Dad thinks about it for approximately 30 seconds before giving his approval.

Shawn has a tough act to follow but charms the family immediately. Dad calls his manner of speech "genuine." Mom said her first thought was, "There's a MAN." During some one-on-one time, Mom asks Shawn how he's handled his jealousy about Nick's relationship with Kaitlyn. He tells her he understands the process and gives her what I think is a weak line at best and a red flag at worst. His jealousy proves how strong his feelings are for Kaitlyn. Yes, his negative trait is somehow Kaitlyn's fault! But, he says the show's ups and downs have made them stronger. Mom calls him "mature" and "confident." Kaitlyn's sister tell's K she's Team Shawn because of the way she is around him.

Shawn sits down with Kaitlyn's dad for a brief chat and then brings mom over to ask permission to propose to Kaitlyn. Bringing mom into the equation I'm sure was a move telegraphed to him by the producers. If Nick did it, you'd better do it too. A quick word about Kaitlyn's dad here: after a billion episodes with two marble mouths Kaitlyn's dad's voice is a welcomed change. I want him to do a series of sleep hypnosis/self-esteem boosting tapes in his dulcet tone.

Next is the final dates, which are just landscape shots, a formality. What could change? What could Kaitlyn possibly learn that might sway her one way or the other? Nothing. But, she says she's still looking for that clarity on these last two outings. Nick is up first. In an interview, Kaitlyn says "If Shawn wasn't here it'd be so much easier." Um, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Imagine how easy it would've been Kaitlyn if only one guy showed up instead of 27. I could've gone to bed on time tonight! By the way, that's called "Not Dating on a TV Show." It's free to try. You'll be doing it in three months.

After dinner, it's time for the customary giving of gifts. Nick mumbles to Kaitlyn, "Igotyousomethinginmybedroom." It's a double frame with a pic of their first one-on-one date and a poem Nick wrote. Kaitlyn has the same problem every contestant has at this point in the show. She loves the one she's with.

Shawn's date is last. Is going second an advantage or disadvantage? At first it seems like the latter. During lunch at a winery, Kaitlyn is a million miles away. Shawn notices and says in an interview that nothing is different on his end, so what happened yesterday? The day does not go well.

Later at dinner, Shawn is nervous and needs answers. Kaitlyn actually shows up and is much better. She's present. In the moment. Shawn's gift is a jar of keepsakes he's collected from their time together. I think it beats the poem frame.

Kaitlyn still has no idea what she's going to do when it comes down to it, though. Neil Lane makes his overly-botoxed appearance. Much is made of the fact that this is the point a year ago that Nick was booted by Andi. The rings are picked out, which means it's time for the big moment.

I guess Kaitlyn blew the show's budget staying in Ireland for a month so instead of our usual exotic proposal locale, one lucky guy will pop the question at... The Bachelor Pad? Yeah, that's where I'd love to start a new chapter of my life, next to a pool that's half vodka puke and Clint and JJ's Brokeback Hot Tub. Kaitlyn says she needed to take it this far to figure out who she wanted to end up with. Frankly, I'm glad that's one of the parts of the show she's keeping because why are we watching this if not to see a guy get ultimately humiliated? Kicking him to the curb before Neil Lane shows up? No one wants that. Think of Neil, won't you?

So who's first out of the limo? Nick. Big loser, right? Right. He gets all the way through his proposal, takes the Neil Lane ring out of his pocket and... she stops him. His reaction, "No? Alright," is priceless. He's also upset and proves he's a snake by turning short and combative immediately. Kaitlyn tells him she does love him but her heart is with someone else. Nick tells her, "Nothing you say could make me less confused." Then he really starts laying in, telling her, "You took things from me," (Nick was a VIRGIN!? Wait. Andi. What the hell is he talking about?). Speaking of Andi, Nick also subtly slut-shames Kaitlyn by saying his love was "more than just a moment." Yeah! You'll do it with anyone, Kaitlyn, even if you're not in love! Not like Nick! He shuts down any explanation Kaitlyn offers and tells her how she really feels about it, despite what she says about how she feels.

In the Loser Limo, Nick tosses the Neil Lane ring on the ground (No!) and takes off his Irish claddagh ring and tosses it as well. He says he's the "world's biggest joke." The guy even has to be more rejected than anyone else!

Shawn's proposal is typical. In her response, she makes a subtle dig back at Nick saying she made "mistakes" during the show. She finally gets to say "I love you," and accepts her Neil Lane ring.

Stay tuned for my After the Final Rose LIVE blog... starting right now!

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: After the Final Rose

After the Final rose, it's still all about the final two. Hilariously, Nick's family is in attendance to bask in his shame, even poor Bella, whose grasp of love must be so unbelievably skewed by now we'll see her on this show in about 15 years.

But, Kaitlyn and Shawn are out first and it's the usual happy couple routine. Then they're ushered back off stage and Nick comes out to surprisingly zero "Boo's." CH dwells pretty heavily on Nick and Kaitlyn's pre-show relationship. Seemingly it's to get back in the good graces of Bachelor Nation's red states by showing their sex in Dublin was "not some taboo, first date hook up." Chris really tries to justify the "quick" physical relationship by portraying it as the result of an emotional connection and build up.

Shawn comes out and it is more awkward than I thought it'd be this far removed from the taping. Nick tries to get Shawn to say his name by introducing himself. Shawn doesn't bite. They both cross their outside legs on the tiny couch, so their feet touch several times. They rehash the same reasons for their hated we've heard for the last 6 episodes. Shawn says it wasn't jealousy because Ben H. (who gets a rousing round of applause) also had a strong connection with Kaitlyn, but he and Shawn are actually friends now. Shawn tells Nick he broke an unwritten dude rule on the show and bragged about specifics of your date and "getting intimate" to the other dudes. Nick's response is he got a bad edit and anything bad he did was out of context. Snake. Chris tries to get them to hug. but no dice.

Next Kaitlyn is out to face Nick one more time (she hopes). What answers he'll get now that he didn't get then I have no idea. I guess she has had a few months to think about and strengthen and reword her case. Nick comes out guns blazing and asks her "What were you thinking when you said, 'I love you'?" She tells Nick that she did love him but no love was stronger than the love she had for Shawn. So, what did he mean when he said "You took things from me?" Nick says he meant that Kaitlyn took saying certain words and proposing for the first and last time to the love of his life from him. Nick expounds on this for a while, just hammering on Kaitlyn and trying to make her feel as awful as possible.

If she took it hard, she's got back up now. When asked about future plans, they're non-committal as a lot of couples are at this point of the show. They're just excited to live life without hiding. However, Shawn trembles with rage when he says one thing he's looking forward to is defending his woman from cyber bullying. Even though it was real life bullying, I'm still willing to bet Nick wasn't waiting in the parking lot for him after the show like in Ireland.

There's no rest for Bachelor Nation as we kick right into 4 hours of Bachelor in Paradise per week this Sunday. I hope I can do this.

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: The Men Tell All

Next week is the big finale, so this week the men will tell all. And all was told if "all" is the same reasons they said  that they're bummed they're not on the show anymore when they got kicked off in the first place. As he always does, Chris Harrison over-promises and under-delivers in his tease. Instead of being just the "most dramatic season in Bachelorette history" he says this season created a "national controversy." Settle down. A woman had sex with a man. Kaitlyn didn't wear a Confederate flag dress or anything.

We get the worst news of the night with an extended preview of Bachelor in Paradise: BiP will be on TWO nights a week starting August 2nd. As if to soften the blow, we're then introduced to the all-telling men in order of exit. So that means, RYAN RETURNS! I hope Chris Harrison's book takes off and he leaves the show so Ryan can be the new host.

After a season recap reel, the guys take on Ian ("Talking about sex is dumb and shallow and I need some SEX!") first, with most saying Kaitlyn deserves an apology. Corey comes to Ian's defense though and says Ian was right about Kaitlyn not being interested in "deep" men. Jared shuts him down immediately, though: "How many weeks were you around?" Mic drop.

Ian stands up and takes his coat off and instead of offering to fight everyone as I was lead to believe in the "cyuming up" tease, he gets on his knees and apologizes to the guys. JJ, the group's other huge attention whore, gets up and shakes his hand. A few guys also give Ian props on the way back to his seat.

Next, CH sets his sights on Clint, who first wants to make sure everyone knows, "I am a straight man" who just developed a deep bro-love with JJ. The other guys say they isolated themselves and didn't care to develop bro-love with anyone else. JJ blames the producers and editing for the portrayal of their relationship, like whenever they were acting weird it was CGI or something. JJ says, yes, they talked for 4-5 hours at a time in the hot tub because they were "intellectually curious" about each other. In the worst word choice of the night, JJ says there was a lot of "meat" to their relationship.

Koopah decides to do Chris' job and changes the subject to the snake in the room: Nick. He says if Kaitlyn wanted to explore a relationship off the show, she should've thought about leaving the show. Josh says she shouldn't have said "I see my husband in this room."

Because he thinks America likes listening to a 12-year old Vineyard Vines spokes model, Chris brings JJ up to sit in the Hot Seat. He says he regrets turning on Clint when Kait kicked him off. About how his relationship with Kaitlyn went south so quickly he says they started with a lot of momentum, then lost it. JJ tears up when Corey calls him a jerk and JJ counters that the guys who stuck around longer warmed up to him. See, the problem, according to JJ, was the the guys weren't smart enough to "Get" his hockey locker room insult humor.

Ben Z. is next up and the producers torture him by making him relive telling a woman who didn't return his love about the worst moment of his life, when his mother broke her back, discovered she had cancer and died. There's not a dry eye in the place, except Ben, who still hasn't cried in 11 years. He says his relationship with Kaitlyn failed because of the walls he put back up after the producers made him take part in a HILARIOUS funeral date. But, he says, being on the show did teach him it's OK to open up to someone in a short amount of time. He seems to be a favorite for next season's Bachelor, but that kind of emotional intelligence and actually LEARNING something from this show kind of precludes him. Also, I can't stand his "Oh, golly? All this noise for li'l ol' me?" scrunchy nose face he makes.

Ratface is up next and we're reminded he introduced himself to the Bachelorettes as "Love Man." How cringey was that? He's not over Kaitlyn, of course, and the Cranberries' song "Linger" has been ruined forever. The best thing about Jared is he's lost the patchy beard, which Chris Harrison points out as a positive.

Ben H., my current favorite for next season's Bachelor, is next up. Since he was the last non-douchebag standing, what kept him from Kaitlyn? He says he stopped pursuing her that night she came to his room and told Shawn he was the one. Even not knowing what was said that night, the confidence Shawn had after that caused him to pull back.

Kaitlyn finally comes out. They first address the "national controversy" and backlash of her hooking up with dudes on TV. She says her family was hurt the most by it. Then something amazing happens. Chris says that horrible things were said about Kaitlyn on social media and he could have just left it at that. But, taking a cue from Jimmy Kimmel perhaps, he starts reading mean tweets about Kaitlyn right in front of her. I know it should have been shocking and appalling and cyberbullying is a real problem but, the funniest thing that's ever happened in the history of this franchise may be Chris Harrison's deadpan faux-newsy delivery of stuff like "Kaitlyn needs to shut her whore mouth. Hashtag-slut." It also kinda sounded like he was reading a children's book. I don't even want to type about it anymore, because it doesn't have any of the comedy that CH lent to it. If you missed it, seek it out. It's hilarious. Also, there was NO reason to do it. We know what cyberbullying is. And if you were trying to shame these people for what they said about Kaitlyn, why block out their handles? Kimmel doesn't. It does garner Kaitlyn a rousing standing O from the audience, though.

During the guys' Q and A, Ben H. asks Kaitlyn why she only felt it necessary to tell Shawn about banging Nick and not anyone else? Kaitlyn says she was treating each relationship differently and she and Shawn were at a place where she thought he had to know.

If it wasn't clear before, it should be clear now, I'm hoping for all the guys, that no one will ever agree on the Nick situation and the guys are never going to understand her reason for bringing Nick on mid-season and if it was fair, etc. etc. Kaitlyn says, "Date this many people and don't make any mistakes and have it televised, I dare you." That's also a way of her finally saying, "It was my show, I'm in charge this is what I wanted to do and I did it."

To round out the show, Ryan M. says he's still horned up, apologizes for being so awesome and finally casts his vote rose for Kaitlyn. Ian, who gave notes to Kaitlyn every week, gets down on his knees to apologize, but gets a weird cramp and stands up to give Kaitlyn a final apology note. Some dummy puts on a pigeon mask.

Blooper reel. Done. All has been told once again.

Next week's episode: "The Lesser of Two Mumblers"

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 8

I'm back! Sorry I missed blogging last week on vacation. Quick version if the only way you keep up with the show is this blog: Kaitlyn confessed to Shawn that she and Nick got it on. At first he was surprisingly mature about it, but then at the Rose Ceremony he pulled her aside and showed his true jealous colors. Nick trashed talked Shawn to Kaitlyn. His main talking point being that he bragged about being eskimo brothers (look it up) with a country singer.

When last we left the gang, The Gos sought out Nick's hotel room after Nick's overnight and they got into a bro fite. Gos told Nick he's been hated by 40 guys across 2 seasons. Nick again hamers on the fact that he brags about having sex.

We get a reprieve from the drama with Kaitlyn's overnight with Ben H. in Galway. They go horseback riding and are attacked by donkeys with, as Ben says, "sick haircuts." They have a picnic overlooking a castle. Ben tells Kaitlyn starting a life with her souds fun. Kaitlyn says this "could be the beginning of forever" and she could picture a life with Ben. Over dinner, Kaitlyn finds out Ben celebrated his birthday while on the show and he's a few years younger than her. "Do you think of me as an older woman," she asks. Ben says, "No." Really? It's math. He's smart, of course, for not calling her an old bag. They retire to the Fantasy Suite and we see them basking in the after glow the next morning.

Shawn's overnight starts with a round of golf, because what's sexier than golf? I'll tell you. Shawn in a skintight pink polo. It looks like he's wearing shoulder pads underneath. Shawn: Leg Day. Have one. Shawn says Kaitlyn's excellent golf swing is a definite check mark for "wife material." God, they are trying to make this crappy date sound sexy. They take a break on a green to play truth or dare, as is a part of Irish Rules Golf. Shawn picks dare and Kaitlyn makes him strip and putt. We find out disturbingly that he wears some sort of weird compression tights as underwear.

At dinner, Kaitlyn tries again to clear up the Nick v Shawn mess. Shawn tells her he doesn't trust Nick's reasons for coming on the show again. He says the way Nick acted when he confronted him confirmed his suspicions and feelings. Nick's plan works and Kaitlyn asks him about the "eskimo brothers" comment and if he's a player. Shawn dodges and reiterates to Kaitlyn that if she ends up with Nick, he won't lose any sleep because they are such polar opposites he'll know he and Kait were never meant to be. Kaitlyn wants to move the converation off camera so they head to the Fantasy Suite.

The morning after is a LOT less happy and restful and afterglow-y than Nick and Ben's mornings with Kaitlyn were. The producers place Nick in the parking lot on Shawn's walk back to his room. It looks like a high school production of West Side Story. Nick says he wants to respond to Shawn's allegations and have another "man to man" conversation about their differences. Shawn doesn't GAF. He completely steamrolls Nick, who can't get a word in edgewaise. After Shawn says something like, "If you ever talk about me again..." Nick says, "Are you threatening me?" in a cracked voice you might hear during a high school production of West Side Story. He tells the camera Shawn is not a man because of the way he acted during the convo.

Are we going to have enough time this ep to show two hometown visits? It doesn't look like it... Nick is from Wisconsin and Shawn is from Connecticut so we land in... Utah? Nick grabs Kaitlyn before he meets his family at this random hotel and drops the L-bomb, "I'm in love with you."

Nick being on the show again makes everyone in his family cry, except James who is Nick's awesome brother who looks like he's in a New Wave Band. The fam, even precious Bella (remember her?), is worried Nick is too confident about being the last man standing and will be blindsided again like with Andi. Honestly, that has to be what Nick is hoping for. His 15 minutes is extended a few more seconds again AND no hassel of a fake commitment for 3 months.

There's nothing remarkable about Kaitlyn meeting the family. The sisters, brothers and mom all ask the normal questions: What do you love about Nick? How much do you love him? Mom asks Nick, "What do you love about her?" Etc. Etc. There's lots of comparing this situation to just last year with Andi. As usual, the family likes The Bachelorette. Kaitlyn and Nick go to her room to trade eye-rolling cliche sweet nothings and make out.

OK, looks like we're going to squeeze another "hometown" date in here. How crazy is it that Nick and Shawn's family live in the same hotel in Utah? Kait and Gos meet beforehand and Kaitlyn's strategy going into the meeting seems different than with Nick's family. Nick's family grilled Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn seems more interested in doing the grilling with Shawn's family. What was Nick like to live with? Is he ready for marriage?

I don't recall Kaitlyn getting her answers but Shawn's sisters sit down with her and later tell Shawn they approve. As usual on these visits, dad is suspicious of the show, the format, the quick time frame. He grabs Shawn to talk outside. As with all the skeptical parents, dad is eventually talked into believing in the process. After the visit, Shawn tells Kaitlyn he loves her, as he is contractually allowed to do at this point.

Man, as crazy as Kaitlyn's season is, there's certain elements of this formula even she can't throw out.

At the end of it, Kaitlyn is still totally conflicted on who she wants to marry. Kait, you're in Utah. Marry them both!

Next week: The bros tell all.

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 7

Previously on the Bachelorette: Sex! Also, last time we left our heroine she was being confronted by Shawn, this season's contestant that doesn't understand the concept of the show.

When we rejoin the action he asks her "Are you in love with me?" Case in point. Surely he knows she's not contractually allowed to say anything like that at this point. Her reply is exactly that, "I'm falling in love with you." Shawn doesn't know if he can continue on, seeing Kaitlyn with other men. Kaitlyn says he has to decide that for himself. If only he knew about her and Nick! Kait is concerned that Shawn knows (he doesn't). They make out.

Over and over in this episode Kaitlyn says she doesn't feel guilty about going to Ramtown with Nick, while in the same breath calling what she did a mistake. She does feel guilty about being in other relationships with guys she hasn't;t banged yet. I think? I mean, isn't that the same thing as feeling guilty for hooking up with Nick? Or you feel guilty that the other relationships aren't moving as fast?

We still have a 2-on-1 date from last week to get to with Joe and JJ. They take a boat ride to a picnic. JJ wears his heart on his sleeve. He gushes over Kaitlyn while Joe is there. Joe is more guarded and plays it cool while JJ is there. But alone, he tells Kaitlyn he's "falling in love." JJ's plan on the date is to tell Kaitlyn the "worst of me" and his "biggest regret." It turns out that 3 years ago he cheated on his wife and "lost everything." Anyone surprised? Kaitlyn doesn't seem shocked. "Thank you for telling me. You probably learned a lot from that." He's still learning from it. Don't tell anyone! Back at the blanket, Kaitlyn says bye-bye to JJ. She doesn't say it's because of the cheating thing, but falls back on the "I'd hate to take any more time away from your kid" excuse. Weren't you listening? He only has her half the time! There's no rush!

Joe doesn't get the rose that easily, though. She still makes him go to dinner. He does end up getting the rose because he picked her up when she was feeling down about the whole Shawn/Nick situation. He struts back into dude HQ and The Gos can't even listen to his recap of the date.

Shawn storms out... again... and goes to Kaitlyn's hotel room... again. He says there was more to what he wanted to tell her last night. Kaitlyn is relieved when it's not about Nick. All of Shawn's problems stem from the night in San Antonio when off-camera Kaitlyn told him "You're it." If he's it, what are all these guys still doing here? Kaitlyn tries to do what the producers should have and explain the show to Shawn. This is the process. Giving Shawn that early reassurance, but continuing to explore other relationships makes Shawn question her, which makes her question "us." If he's questioning her motives right now, though, just remember, there's a big Nick-shaped thing he doesn't know!

An hour into the show we finally get to the cocktail party from last week. Kaitlyn enters and says it's been a rough week and she's emotional and nervous. Everyone is wondering why, except Nick and Shawn, of course. Ben H. pulls her aside and says he was around the night she told Shawn... something. He didn't here the conversation, but he knows something was said that gave the Gos big validation. Ben's also having trouble seeing her with other guys. Kaitlyn's driven to tears again. The guys hold all the power at this point. Her weakness is coming from her desire to please and not hurt anyone's feelings.

Nick pulls Kaitlyn aside for some reassurance that what they did isn't what's causing her distress. Kaitlyn needs to talk to Nick to make sure the snake hasn't snitched. He's shocked she'd think he'd say anything! Really? The guy who told 10 million people on live TV that he boned Andi is shocked that someone thinks he'd kiss and tell? His response is snarky. He also lies, saying he never used the word intimate. Someone better call him out on that because it's the EXACT word he used when he was recount the date to the guys and he found out Shawn had had off-camera time before he had. Nick feels hurt, even though he doesn't deserve to. But, that shows an emotional side that Kaitlyn is drawn too, so she's cool.

Kaitlyn tells the Gos that she regrets the night in Texas when she told him, "You're it" because it was unfair to him and everyone else there. It threw the relationship off track and put Kaitlyn and Shawn on different pages. Kaitlyn takes some of the power back from Shawn here. He's panicked going into the Rose Ceremony.

At the Rose Ceremony (finally!) she sends home Ben Z. and Tanner, who was somehow still around. Ben Z., by the way, looks and sounds like The Bachelor to me. I'll call it now.

The group gets ready to head to Killarney on the offensively named "Paddy Wagon" bus service. Ratface however gets to ride with Kaitlyn in a Mini Cooper and do some sightseeing. They get to drive right up to a deserted Blarney Castle and kiss the Blarney Stone. Man, Kaitlyn, what WON'T you make out with? When I went there on my honeymoon the parking lot and ticket booth are miles from the castle! Also, there's usually a 90-year-old Irishman who dips you back to kiss the mythical object. They drive through the country-side, I imagine comparing the patchwork fields of Ireland to Jared's patchy beard. She says she could "see him as my husband."

At Katilyn's castle-hotel Chris Harrison knocks on the door and instructs Kaitlyn on what's happening this week. Normally she'd be deciding which 4 guy's families she'd like to meet next week. But, she's changed the game so much, they're changing the game on Kaitlyn. She's got to lose THREE guys this week. The three left will get overnight "Fantasy Suite" dates, then she'll whittle those down to the final two, who will get hometown dates. That way everyone will be on an even keel and she won't be meeting the family of a guy she hasn't banged yet.

Chris Harrison tells the guys the plan and they are understandably shaken.

Cupcake Chris the Dentist gets the first one-on-one date, a helicopter to a picnic on the Cliffs of Moher. Kaitlyn says he hits all the checkmarks for what she's looking for in a husband but she doesn't see them together forever and tells him good-bye. Doing this on the side of a very tall cliff was just evil and if you were yelling at your TV, "Jump! Jump! Jump!" then you are evil too.... and we should watch together sometime because we were doing the exact same thing. Chris says Kait's "wrong," "She doesn't know what she wants," and "She's not ready to find happiness." He fake cries. I mean it's bad. My 18 month old daughter has more believable crocodile tears. Kaitlyn fake stares contemplatively out of the chopper window...

TO BE CONTINUED

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 6

Once again we're dumped right into the drama from last week involving Deep Ian giving Kaitlyn a tongue lashing about how deep he is. We get a little replay of his speech. But in case it wasn't painfully obvious last week, we hear him say, "I intend to go home," Well, I'm glad you cleared that up, I thought you were trying to sell her a vacuum. Kaitlyn is incensed and driven to tears. I am too imagining how awful it must be to talk to Ian for any longer than two minutes. Ian is the male equivalent of one of my favorite SNL Weekend Update characters. Ian is the Guy You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party. In the van home, Ian says he's so glad to be going home where he can have deep conversations with deep people instead of just talking about sex... before adding, "I gotta have some sex!"

Back at the cocktail party it's Nick to the rescue. Remember, Ian first unloaded to Nick in the hotel room. If this whole situation was planned by Nick and Ian, I'm confident it was orchestrated by Nick. He was definitely instrumental in persuading Ian to be totally honest with Kaitlyn. He wanders upstairs to comfort Kaitlyn saying the exact opposite of everything Ian said. Of course he had the conversation already mapped out in his head, he knew what Ian was going to say. Downstairs, the guys take issue with Nick hogging Kaitlyn because he already has a rose and there are guys who haven't had any time with her. Why aren't they allowed to steal her away like every other cocktail party? Ryan Gosling finally takes the initiative (even though he already has a rose too) and walks upstairs... and into a hardcore Nick-Kaitlyn make-out sesh. He storms out.

Before heading to the Rose Ceremony Kaitlyn sits down with the guys AGAIN to give her talk about how she's there for the right reasons AGAIN and how a guy doubted that AGAIN and left the show pre-RC AGAIN.

At the Rose Ceremony a man in a tight three piece suit steps out of the shadows. I'm told he used to host this show? Chris Harrison. It's been so long I don't remember what he does here, but he does ask Kaitlyn how she's doing. She says a lot of things are happening that she didn't expect like "feelings" and "drama." I guess being a contestant on the show doesn't mean you've ever seen it.

Everyone gets roses except Meaty Lips (Justin) and the Welder (Joshua). I don't know what's sadder, that no one fixed Josh's stupid haircut or that while doing his exit interview he could hear the guys cheering about the fact that they get to go to Dublin. Who am I kidding, it never gets old when an eliminated contestant can hear cheers of joy.

In Dublin, and this is apropos of nothing, Ratface is wearing his hoodie and he looks like a middle-eastern woman in a burka. Also, Nick gets the one-on-one date. They go for a walk in the park and he protects Kaitlyn from birds. They do some Irish dancing with some street performers. They buy Claddagh rings. They make out in an alley. They make out in a pub and drive an old Irishman out of his local. Kaitlyn is having a great time with Nick, but she's concerned that they are "too passionate." In other words, they are in lust rather than love. Like Ashley S. told her in NYC. I can't believe I just quoted Ashley S. as the voice of reason.

Dinner is at a cathedral, which I would feel conflicted making out in, but Kaitlyn and Nick have no problem, of course. Their conversations are a maddening surface level false spiral of repetition. "I'm glad I'm here." "I'm glad you're here." More kissing. Nick gets the date rose and an invitation back to Kaitlyn's hotel room where he also gets her flower. Behind closed doors and between moaning and breathing, Nick delivers cringeworthy lines like, "I want to know every part of you." How many women has that man subjected to that line? The whole intimate encounter is hilariously accompanied by off-site commentary by Ratface and Gosling about how great the process is and they hope she's having a good time, but they hope Nick is not having any luck on his date. It's like the producers told them, "Just think of the worst things you would want to be heard saying while Kaitlyn is being taken to Rambone Central by a guy you hate and say that."

The next morning, Kaitlyn is full of regret. Not for boning Nick so soon in their relationship, but the fact that people (besides the millions watching) might find out about it. She doesn't want their "off-camera time" (which is what we're calling it now) to be an issue. She doesn't feel guilty about getting some action and not even how it will make the other guys feel, but that they might find out and think less of their respective connections. I guess? At any rate, Nick lies about what happened saying they just stayed up all night and talked. Although when he finds out the Gos had an overnight with Kaitlyn too (why do I not remember this?) he does add that the experience was "intimate."

The Group date with Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Ratface, Ben H. and Chris is a traditional Irish wake. After a night of drunken sex with Nick it's no wonder Kaitlyn wanted a group date where she could lie down and close her eyes. Each of the guys has to eulogize Kaitlyn in her casket and even though it wasn't in the instructions, a lot of the guys think it has to rhyme. The Gos takes a shot at Nick, which Kaitlyn does laugh at. I'm guessing she's laughing at what a fool Shawn looks like. Ben Z. asks the guys to leave the room when it gets to be his turn and everyone (including I'm guessing the producers who picked him for this date) is reminded that he lost his mother at a young age. So, you know, death and funerals might not be as hilarious to him as everyone else. His toast is really serious and Kaitlyn melts, calling it "heartfelt and sweet."

By the time we get to having drinks at the Guinness Storehouse I notice that it's close to 9 and we're not going to have a Rose Ceremony AGAIN. What is it THIS time?! Shawn is jealous of Nick's time in Kaitlyn's suite (which of course was Nick's plan all along the day after). During his alone time with Kaitlyn he shows her pics of his family. But, Kait and Ratface have a "moment" and he ends up with the date rose and a private concert with THE CRANBERRIES!? I freakin' loved The Cranberries.  

Shawn is confused and as one contestant put it, "freaked out." He pulls a camera man or producer (or maybe just a lost brewery worker?) aside to freak out on them. Apparently, Kaitlyn was in his room for 6-7 hours one night and told him he was "it" (when was this?!) He says if he feels like this about Nick's overnight with her now, what about when it's Fantasy Suite time? He won't be able to handle it. He storms off to Kaitlyn's room and...

TO BE CONTINUED... of course. Next time on The Bachelorette: Crying!

Over the credits, Britt Britt is introducing Adam Levine Lite to her mom. It's so funny and obvious how the glamor girl has already changed her ways for the laid back musician. She's wearing a knit beanie for God's sake. Thankfully my DVR cut off before I had to watch any more.

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 5

"Cyuming u-" Nope! We're dumped right back into last week's action as Nick enters Dude HQ in NYC. "'sup, guys?" Even the crickets don't acknowledge his existence. As Nick sits on one couch facing the Council of Dudes on another, they grill him about his intentions coming on the show. "Hey, didn't we read in the tabloids that you were hanging with Andi like a month ago?" "If it doesn't work out this time, are you just going to come back next season?" Josh the Welder has the best question: "You keep saying Kaitlyn is a 'cool chick,' is she a 'cool chick' or an 'amazing woman' to you?" [LAW AND ORDER SOUND] NAILED HIM! Nick mumbles and "likes" his way through the cross examination but the guys are still mistrusting at the least. Some are intimidated by Nick's previous contact and connection-building with Kaitlyn. One of those is Ryan Gosling (Shawn) who says it's causing him to put his guard back up and "pump the brakes" on his relationship with her. The Welder and The Gos are among the guys who give Nick the Voldemort treatment and refuse to say his name, referring to him instead with nicknames like "The Other Guy."

Since we no longer have Rose Ceremonies at the end of this show, we're off to a cocktail party at the Mets' Citi Field at the beginning of this ep. Some of the guys do use their alone time to bitch about Nick. The Gos sits down with Kaitlyn and lets her know that he's having a lot of thoughts, feelings AND emotions about the Nick Situation. He's "questioning everything" and the walls are going back up. It's clear from Kaitlyn's reaction that the Gos has leverage. He's not going anywhere. He basically tells Kait to her face that her decision to bring Nick back is "stupid" and she begs him to stick with it. Kaitlyn assures Shawn that Nick's presence is not taking away from their connection.

At the Rose Ceremony it must be 5 degrees. The men are shivering like Chihuahuas. The Final Rose drama comes down to The Welder vs. Nick. They both end up with roses and Ryan, Jonathan and Corey (who?!) are sent home.

Kaitlyn tells the guys it's time to go some place warm! When you're freezing your questionable tattoos off in the middle of a ballpark in Queens anywhere would be a welcome change. Although the guys must've been a little disappointed to find out some place warmer is San Antonio. I'm sure it's a great city, but "some place warmer" on The Bachelorette usually means Mexico or the Virgin Islands or something!

Ben H. gets the first one-on-one date and he and Kaitlyn take a pimped out classic pick up to Gruene, Texas and the oldest dance hall in Texas to enter a two-step competition. We're treated to a montage of the oldest dancers in Texas explaining two-step as a metaphor for love and life.

Then we are treated to the coolest sonuvagun to ever grace your TV screen. For once, I am in awe of one of the unknown singers The Bachelorette has gotten to serenade our couple. Dale Watson has a stark silver pompadour, giant sideburns, his name on his leather guitar strap and a pedal steel sound that could slide under the vault door at Fort Knox. If Dale Watson is not the next Bachelor, what is the point of this show even going on? But it would only go one episode because he's so cool he would marry and bed all 26 women on the first night.

Anyway. Even though they get tapped out of the dance competition the date goes amazingly well. They definitely seem like the most natural coupling so far. At dinner, though, Ben H. clams up about his past relationship and being engaged previously. He eventually opens up with a little prodding from Kaitlyn and shows some emotion. I don't know what he said to Kaitlyn that she liked but he ends up with the date rose and even gets Kaitlyn to say "I like you."

The group date has Justin, Ratface, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua and Nick, which means Gosling will be going on the other one-on-one date. The dudes are tasked with penning and singing their own Mariachi song of love to Kaitlyn. Joe struggles with the writing but succeeds with the performance, even being the only dude smart enough to snag a kiss mid-song. Ian seeks redemption for losing the Aladdin challenge but completely chokes. Any semblance of a singing voice we heard during the Broadway performance is nowhere to be heard. With Ian's singing and JJ's guitar playing, we could start a band and use it to torture Isis members. Josh is trying harder to beat Nick instead of trying to win over Kaitlyn. Nick takes Kaitlyn up on a balcony to serenade her. Some guys begrudgingly give him props for thinking of a grand gesture like that.

Over drinks, Josh lets Kaitlyn cut his hair. After the hack job she gives him, I'm wondering if she's ever held a pair of shears in her life. They blame the clippers running out of juice, but there's no way that haircut could have turned into anything good if they'd had unlimited clipper batteries. Unless the plan was to just shave him completely bald, but I can't believe that was his plan. For his alone time, Nick is no talking, all smooching. Joshua confronts Nick in front of the other guys about his continued mistrust of Nick. Nick gives some convoluted explanation about his intentions involving Andi and how he was glad that Josh came along that season and was the right man for Andi... I don't get it. It doesn't placate Joshua either because he confronts Kaitlyn about Nick again, saying he confessed his love for Andi last season, he talks about his season constantly and his strategy approaching dates and challenges. Kaitlyn springs to Nick's defenses immediately saying he's just trying to "relate" to the guys. Josh flatly tells her "no one likes him." Kaitlyn asks if that means everyone is lying to her.  Josh realizes he's dug a hole he won't be leaving.

Josh walks back into the dude holding pen and lies about where he was saying he was doing an interview. Kaitlyn enters right behind and calls Josh out for the conversation they just had. You have to feel bad as Josh is forced to take tons of heat while sporting such a stupid haircut. Either the guys want to hang Josh out to dry or they've just gotten over whatever challenge Nick initially posed. Or all of these conversations about Nick must've been Josh to himself. To drive her point home, Kait gives Nick the date rose. Josh says he wishes he could take the whole night back. Uh, DUH!

On Shawn's one-on-one he and Kaitlyn go kayaking down the river and they have a picnic where he defends the actions of Josh, his bother in arms against Nick. He tells Kaitlyn there are guys that didn't speak up when she asked them to last night. She says something that puts him at ease again about the Nick Situation. Either every conversation on this show is incredibly, purposefully vague or the conversations are heavily edited because every time the "resolution" music starts to play, I'm lost. How is this resolved? No one said anything of consequence!

Over dinner Shawn does some monotonous mumbling about a really bad car wreck he was in the day he coincidentally remembered to wear his seatbelt. Was that the day a mad doctor gave him the face of Ryan Gosling? We may never know (or it was edited out). He gets very emotional talking about it and says the FILWY words, "I'm falling in love with you." This is very early in the game for us keeping score at home. At this point it's usually "I could see myself falling in love with you," or the like. Even more surprisingly, Kaitlyn says she "feels the same way" and there's no walls between them anymore. Gos gets the rose and a moonlight canoe fireworks show.

OK, here we are. Cocktail party. Rose Ceremony coming. Look at the time left. We might actually get one off. She takes Ratface to her hotel room for some makin' out. Then Ian gets diarrhea of the mouth. We saw clips of him running his mouth earlier to Nick at Dude HQ. He says some pretty shocking things and they just keep coming.

"Kaitlyn doesn't see how great I am. I should be the next Bachelor. I'd have better luck with 26 women rather than with Kaitlyn. I don't feel it with Kaitlyn. It's her fault she can't see how much better I am than every other guy. I'm over it. She's just not that interesting. I'm not here to have fun. I have tons of sex back home."

Oh no. Look at the time. We're not going to get a Rose Ceremony AGAIN! IAN! He pulls Kaitlyn aside and says he knows she wants the guys to be honest. He honestly tells her that judging from the non-Ian guys, she likes a lower quality of man, not a deep guy like Ian. He tells her he doesn't think SHE'S there for the right reasons, "you're here to make out with a bunch of guys." In case she still doesn't get it, Ian straight up tells her, "You're shallow."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Where are you Chris Harrison? Save us!

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 4

Again, no "cyuming yup" preview to kick off the show this week. We get dumped right back into the drama with Clint. Kaitlyn heard from all of the other guys (minus JJ, of course) about how Clint is the worst and pulls him aside. Clint says he's been nothing but nice to all of the guys and hasn't spoken an ill word about anyone or to any one since he's been there. Since that's all we've seen him do on camera, we know that's a lie and Kaitlyn has heard as much from the rest of the house so she tells Clint, "I'm done." To which he replies, "So what?" As far as apologies go, it's not "You complete me," but it's the best the hairless surfing gorilla could do. Kaitlyn says she can't trust Clint and just to hammer the point home, because it's entirely possible he's missed it completely, Kaitlyn parades Clint in front of the guys to tell them he's leaving. Does anyone have anything to say to Clint before he gets in the van? No one does except the last guy you'd expect: JJ.

JJ tells Clint to say he's sorry for taking up valuable cocktail party time with Kaitlyn and causing "emotions." This cuts Clint to the core and it's obvious to everyone that JJ's betrayal has cut him deeper than anything Kaitlyn has done to him. JJ tries to apologize later for being "rash" in the moment, but the damage is done and Clint and JJ have a pretty bad breakup. In his sit down, JJ is literally in tears and slaps himself. This made me really jealous of JJ because he got to do something we all want to do and that's slap JJ. Taking Kaitlyn's side against Clint hasn't done JJ any favors with the rest of the house as they all pile on for pulling a Judas on his buddy.

After a huddle with Chris, Kaitlyn tells the guys there will not be a Rose Ceremony tonight. Really? Are we just not going to have ANY Rose Ceremonies this season? All of the guys were looking forward to JJ joining Clint at the airport, so when Kaitlyn says she doesn't want to send anyone home because she feels good about everyone you can hear a cricket drop a pin. "This is a good thing," she sheepishly tells the guys to break the awkward silence. They give her a pity applause. Chris pops back in to tell everyone we're heading to NYC.

Cut to the dudes' Times Square hotel where we learn Jonathan, Justin, Ben Z., Corey, Ryan, Tanner, JJ and Shawn (Ryan Gosling) will be rap battling under the tutelage of Doug E. Fresh. It will be whiter than when Soulja Boy was on and gave us the classic jam "Right Reasons," which is still stuck in my head. Gosling thinks there is a connection between Doug E. Fresh and the dance known as The Dougie (there is not). The rap battlers fare about how you'd expect "dudes in khakis" to fare. No one has any rhythm, except Corey surprisingly. JJ calls the NYC crowd "hoes" and is quickly boo'd (jealous again). Gosling actually has some good lines and flashes some body, which gets the desired effect. During the battles some familiar faces are shown in the audience. The virgin from last season and... who is she with? Nick from Andi's season.

It turns out Kaitlyn and Nick have never met, but they did strike up a social media/texting relationship after she was given the boot by Chris Soules. Nick tells Kaitlyn he's there because he'd regret if she got engaged and they had never met.  He's even slimier than I remember. He slinks around biting his cup and splays out when he sits, always displaying his disgusting smirk and talking through his teeth. He's like the Satan in a low-budget movie about the dangers of pre-marital sex they'd show at a Christian summer camp. He wants to join the gang, Kait says she has to think it over.

Oh, yeah, that's right. This is all in the middle of a group date. Over drinks on a boat, Kaitlyn tells the guys a new guy has shown up that she wants to hang around. The guys are understandably upset and even more so when they find out it's Nick. Their main beef with NV centers around when he called out Andi for (seemingly) taking his virginity in the Fantasy Suite and then not marrying him.

Kaitlyn goes outside where Nick is waiting and makes out with him. She tells him she needs more time with the decision. Back inside Justin tells Kaitlyn what she wants to hear, that "one more guy won't make a difference," which gets him the rose. Tanner says it's the "least meaningful rose in the history of the show," and what Kaitlyn is doing is "disrespectful."

It's easy to see both sides of the coin here. On Kaitlyn's side, why should she turn anyone away with whom she's already made a connection? She's on here to find true love. On the guy's side, this is the hand you were dealt. Dance with the girl (or 26 guys in this case) that you came in with. As much as I dislike Nick, it's hard not to side with Kaitlyn on this one...

The other weird Ashley from last season, Ashley S. makes a cameo doing Kaitlyn's hair and doing what stylists do, giving relationship advice. Ashley S. seems strangely with it as she tells Kaitlyn what she's feeling is probably just novelty and she needs to make sure there's a connection besides "lust." Kaitlyn ignores her advice and invites Nick to stay.

Oh, yeah, that's right. This is all prelude to a one-on-one date that at least one of the daters is excited for. Ratface and Kait have a romantic dinner at The Met. Kaitlyn is one million miles away while Ratface pours his heart out, as you do on a one-on-one. Whatever his sob story is is covered up by a Kaitlyn voice over, which is not only funny, but also saves us from having to hear Ratface prattle on.

When he's finally finished, Kaitlyn changes the subject to her favorite topic, Nick. Ratface is not excited about having to talk about Nick, but he takes the Justin approach and tells her whatever she wants to do "we'll get through it." Despite only being with Ratface in body while her spirit is with Nick, she likes the date and Ratface and even Ratface's dumb poem. Even though he rhymes stuff like "do" and "two" and "dot" and "a lot," he gets the date rose and an offer to continue the date.

(It's at this point I realized a guy named Jared being on The Bachelorette is all probably just a huge Neil Lane tie-in.)

We get our first, long-awaited helicopter ride of the season. Jared says those magical words that you're allowed to say at this point in the season and admits that he could see himself falling in love with Kaitlyn and they might be looking back at this 50 years from now as the night he fell in love with her. Kaitlyn does say she could "see a future" with Ratface.

The next morning, Kaitlyn has made up her mind and goes to break it to the guys that Nick is moving in that night. Gosling is questioning everything. Ryan asks a fair question, "Where does it stop?" Another good point, and if it wasn't Kaitlyn's show, I'd agree. But, if she wants a chance to make out with every available man in America, I think we'd see millions of men join the show.

Group date #2 is Ian, Chris, Joe, Josh and Ben H. and takes place on Broadway where the guys "audition" to be in the musical stage production of Disney's Aladdin. The guys embrace the dancing/singing/acting challenge, even though a lot of them struggle with at least one of the aspects. How do these guys not know the words to "A Whole New World?" Ian has a decent enough voice. Chris REALLY puts his heart into it. I mean to the point that the Broadway stars think there's a chance he's mocking them. But, he wins and everyone else has to go home while he and Kaitlyn get to perform a walk-on part in an actual performance of Aladdin for a full audience. Their appearance is about 3 seconds long, but it's 3 more seconds than most everyone else in the universe will spend on a live Broadway stage in their lives. It's actually pretty cool. Kaitlyn obviously loves it. She could have been there with Juan Pablo and still been ecstatic. But, she's there with Chris and he benefits from her giddiness. Benefits with his mouth. But, you can tell it's the high of being on a Broadway stage. Yeah, they're making out, but the kisses aren't as long. She doesn't seem as into it. Chris does get a rose and Kait concedes "he'd be a great husband." A great husband for who, she doesn't say.

It's right about now we all looked at our clocks and realized this was going to be the third episode in a row that doesn't end with a Rose Ceremony. Nick finally makes it to Dude HQ after wandering NYC for who knows how long. Seriously, this episode was like 1/2 shots of Nick walking. He opens the door and TO BE CONTINUED...

Over the credits we're forced to endure Britt Britt and Brady's seaside frolicking. We learn that only dumb Brady would wear black jeans and a black shirt to the beach.

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 3

This ep drops us right into the action that was "to be continued" last week with King Kupah ranting and raving after being given the boot by Kaitlyn. It's clear Kupah's idea of acting tough is pacing around manically yelling "AH!" Kaitlyn sees what's going on outside and walks out to confront him. The Troopa gets all weepy and begs again to come back, but Kaitlyn calmly explains that's not going to happen. Kupah's head hangs low in resignation as she walks back into the house. As soon as the door slams: Whoa! Here's Mr. Tough Guy again! What a joke. What an odd season this is. I think more guys have left outside of Rose Ceremonies than in them! The whole Kupah thing just fizzles out and it's obvious it didn't really did not need to be a To Be Continued... deal. Kaitlyn takes the opportunity to huddle up the guys and give her "be honest" speech about not doing anything you're uncomfortable with, which will kind of be a theme of this episode.

Speaking of Rose Ceremonies we still have one to do. Tony hasn't forgotten, after all, he's left behind important things to be here, like his business, his dog... and all his bonsai trees! A dark-haired beard guy and a light-haired beard guy are sent home. I don't recognize them but they are later revealed to be Daniel and Corey respectively. Kaitlyn says Corey had it all but she felt like he needed to be with his daughter right now. I'm glad someone else could make that decision for him, he'd probably forgotten all about her. Neither dude seem broken up.

The next day the guys are woken up by Sumo wrestlers including one weighing 600 lbs. that Chris says is "the heaviest Japanese human being ever." That is the most amazing thing you will ever see on this franchise. I couldn't believe I was seeing the heaviest of an entire nationality. It made me wonder who the heaviest American human being is/was ever. It was Jon Brower Minnoch who weighed 1,400 lbs and is the heaviest HUMAN ever, period. He died in 1983 and not of old age. Thank you, Wikipedia. Take that Japan. There's still something we make in America better than in Asia and that's giant Americans.

Anyway, the first group date group is Clint (who the Sumos call "Crin-tuh," which is awesome), Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe and Shawn. The group date is really lame as the first half is training right in the front driveway of the Bachelor Pad with all of the other guys watching. JJ notes that everyone has a nice ass except Tony. JJ critiquing other men's asses will become more relevant later in the episode. All of the guys are censored in their Sumo diapers, often from both sides and especially Joe since much is made of his scrotum refusing to be contained.

Tony takes his training very seriously, and seems into it. But, when he is pushed out of the ring he starts to pout and walk back into the house. Kaitlyn stops him and he starts ripping into her that every date has to include some sort of show of aggression. Kaitlyn, who is trying her hardest to have a serious conversation with a "healer" wearing a diaper, says she thought it would be a fun, silly thing to do together. Oh, you mean the guys weren't supposed to treat it like a genuine Sumo championship title bout like Tony was? Also, Tony, I know some dudes went boxing, but what was so aggressive about your comedy date last week? I'm renaming you Tony the Phony because for all of the body of a poet, heart of a warrior BS, no one is being more aggressive than YOU! Tony tells Kaitlyn, "I want you to see the real me! The strength I have" We are! In the heat of the moment your true self is revealing that you don't even have the strength to act like a man and not a crybaby.

Tony the Phony stays home while the rest of the group daters go to a sumo exhibition at some pedestrian mall. They're diapered rears are still censored, although what they can show the horrified children in this public space that they can't show on TV is beyond me. I noticed on this ep that lots of the guys are tatted up including Ben's Z's GIANT Austrian crest on his shoulder and JJ's shoulder tatt of an 8th grade boy's history class notebook doodles. Clint takes over for Tony the Phony as Mr. Serious and proves it's not just high school football players who can use this show to relive their glory days, but high school wrestlers too!

Back at HQ, Tony is still ranting about the aggressive dates and starts coming up with more appropriate date ideas. "Why can't we go to the zoo and impersonate the animals!?" It's the most angry way that question has ever been asked. He packs his bags and heads off, presumably to the zoo, but first stops to talk to Kaitlyn. I buckle in for a long drawn out conversation, probably punctuated with a commercial break but... Tony says his peace and he's gone. It takes about a minute and Kaitlyn definitely doesn't beg him to stick around. Good riddance. Go marry a bonsai tree, you quack.

Over Group Date Drinks, Clint says he's going to "hang back" and let Kaitlyn come to him. If she likes him as much as she seemed to after their one-on-one date, "she'll come talk to me," is his thinking. Man, she's got some real dum dums on the show this season. I mean, between Ryan M., Tony, Kupah, and now Clint. Did they forget to cast the show and pick these guys up at the bus station right before filming?

Kaitlyn does talk to all the other guys and give out muchas smooches. At this point, I've stopped counting smooches. I know I like to give you a sort of running tally of guys getting kissed, but just assume at this point that everyone is getting smooched. How about this, I'll tell you when someone DOESN'T get smooches? Ryan Gosling gets the date rose. It surprises Clint that sitting like a drunk lump on a couch doesn't get a women excited and says he's coming to the realization that "Kaitlyn may not be the girl for me."

Ben Z. gets the one-on-one date to a scary haunted house type deal call The Basement. Basically a life size, puzzle-type real-life video game, where you have to find clues in a room and use them to escape. I bet it's usually fun, except ABC notes on screen that they've added insects and animals to the experience that aren't normally a part of The Basement. It means Kaitlyn and Ben encounter scorpions, dead cockroaches, birds and giant snakes as they make their way through the puzzle. They eventually make it out of the room and it probably bonded them as much as any team building exercise would.

Over drinks at K's place, Ben tries to downplay his fear of snakes, which Kaitlyn isn't buying but she does appreciate that he was the one that dealt with them on the date. Ben also tells the awful tale of the day his mom died and how it led to his aversion to crying. He hasn't cried in the 11 years that it happened. Then they do some hot tubbin' and he of course gets the rose.

Group date two consists of Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jerod and Tanner. The guys head to a local elementary school where they find out they'll be teaching a sex ed class. The guys are nervous, but make their best attempts at being honest and mature about sex. Ben H. is sentimental and serious and makes the smart move of bringing Kaitlyn into his presentation about sperm and eggs. Still, many laughs about genitals and bodily functions are had. Oh, and we learn you can't say "clitoris" on TV. It's pretty obvious right away that all the kids in the class are child actors with orders to put the guys through their paces, which is why I think they had Kaitlyn spill the beans to us, the home viewers. She says it's a big prank but... she never reveals that to the guys... it was probably an after thought after the producers realized we, the audience, wouldn't fall for the "prank."

Over Group Date Drinks, Josh admits to Kaitlyn he was a late bloomer and didn't even have his first kiss until college. He does not get smooches, which is bad news for him. We know Kaitlyn likes to move fast and even she says "time is ticking." Ratface gets smooches and tells Kaitlyn he's falling for her. Kaitlyn is really into him to. Any goodwill Ben H. built up with his sex ed presentation is immediately dashed in my mind when he takes Kaitlyn up to the roof, points at a skyscraper and says "That building is Die Hard." What does that even MEAN!? Die Hard isn't the name of the building in Die Hard, it's Nakatomi Plaza. I didn't even look that up. I guess Kaitlyn isn't the fan of cinema that I am though and Ben H. makes a good enough impression to get the date rose.

Back at Bachelor HQ, it gets weird. The men are noticing a blooming bromance between JJ and Clint. They're always hanging in the pool or hot tub together, cooking and eating their meals together... showering together. OK, some guys are fine with the communal shower, that's fine. It's clear the producers are going for a Brokeback Bachelor thing and I get it, but these guys are such pros they could edit this show to make Juan Pablo look good, right?

Wrong. Clint doesn't need fancy editing. He flat out says he has more of a connection with JJ than Kaitlyn. He and JJ have become really close, "too close." He says he never thought he'd come on the show and fall in love with a man, but he believes in the show's process and he's a success story. At the cocktail party, Clint realizes he blew the group date and needs that rose to stay on the show and be with JJ. That's not a joke. He said that.

Clint pulls Kaitlyn aside and starts pleading his case. Clint has the look and delivery of someone who was just hit in the face with a cast iron skillet. But, he smooths things over with Kaitlyn and redeems himself. He runs back to JJ and the two skulk from the shadows alternately complimenting each other's bodies and trashing the other dudes. Are these guys really on the show for the wrongest of reasons?

No. It was revealed recently that they went on the show with the whole homoerotic storyline planned out, the producers loved the idea and everyone ran with it. JJ and Clint also went on the show with the sole purpose of being "the villains." "Villains gotta vill," they keep saying. NOT A VERB! Unfortunately for them, when you go on this show with any agenda besides what the producers want you to do, they can paint you however they want. And I don't think these guys are going to be painted as any kind of threat to guys on the show for the Right Reasons.

Several dudes use the cocktail party to out Clint and JJ as top shelf douchebags and we get ANOTHER episode without a Rose Ceremony ending. Instead this ep ends with Kaitlyn pulling Clint aside about to lay down the law.

Breaking Bachelor News!

That didn't take long. About 2 months in fact.

Last year's The Bachelor couple are no more.

“Whitney Bischoff and Chris Soules have mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement,” the couple told Us Weekly in a joint statement. “They part with nothing but respect and admiration for one another and will continue to be supportive friends. They wish to thank everyone who has supported them through this journey.”

They're engagement was shorter than Kim Kardashian's second marriage. Hell, it was shorter than Kim Kardashian's sex tape!

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 2

Tonight on The Bachelorette: Fighting and comedy!

On the first full episode of the season with just one Bachelorette, Chris Harrison meets with Kaitlyn at her house at what must be 2PM after a marathon first night. At Bachelor HQ, the dudes enjoy a pre-journey mimosa toast.

For some reason we also check in with Britt, who is crying on a speaker phone call with her mom. Britt Britt is still shocked. Her CPU simply doesn't have the MHz to process that Kaitlyn is prettier than her. But, what's this? A Knock Knock at the door? It's squinty-eyed Adam Levine Lite, Brady... in yoga pants? Please tell me we won't be continuing to follow this storyline. Is this a bone being thrown to Bachelor Nation's Britt fans? Are there such people?

On this episode we'll see 3 dates: 2 group and the first one-on-one of season.

On the First group date: Daniel, Justin, Ratface, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Bens H and Z. It's a boxing date! Yeah, let's just get these guy right to physical harm right awat. Laila Ali helps show the guys the ropes. Most of the guys, however, probably learned all they need to about boxing beating on rival frat bros. THETAS RULE!

The first fight is the gargantuan Ben Z. vs. Daniel, or more accurately, Ben Z chasing Daniel around the ring. Corey and Justin look like two Tasmanian devils spinning around the ring like two tornados of arms and legs. In fact, most of the fights are just the dudes flailing and whiffing haymakers. Kupah was really into the training and it shows. Tanner is forced to throw in the towel before real damage is done. The tournament boils down to Jared vs. Ben Z., who obivously never let go of his high school glory days. He mentions that if he didn't win he'd never hear the end of it from his "football buddies." Well, just don't go to Ruby Tuesday's for happy hour for the next month or so. It'll blow over.

He doesn't lose though. Quite the opposite as he puts Jared in the hospital. Kaitlyn is surprised at the turn of events. She didn't want anyone to get hurt! "I wanted this to be fun!" Yes, give boxing gloves to 8 meatheads in full testosterone fueled alpha gorilla mode competing to win a woman and expect them NOT to take ever jab personally. The doc says Ratface has to go to the hospital so he misses drinks.

During drinks, Kaitlyn has some alone time with the guys. First up a Ben (Z), who starts the conversation by asking her, "know how many times I've been in a fight?" I half-expect him to say, none. Like, maybe, "I was always the guy in my group who would cool down the situation." Nope. "One or two." That's not surprising! And that probably means per night on a busy weekend. Ben also uses the time to tell Kaitlyn his mom died of cancer when he was 13.

Kaitlyn gets a note while talking to a furniture clothing design company guy whose name I've forgotten. Why does funiture needs clothing anyway? Kaitlyn must be pretty bored to, because right in the middle of the guy's sentence she gets a not that says, "Come downstairs right now. I need to see you." She doesn't hesitate to leave the convo mid thought and head out side where, who is waiting? It's Jared. Unfortunately it looks like the doctors were unable to cure his malignant case of patchy beard. They walk and talk a little. He says the doctors told him he needs rest, but he wanted to stop by and see her. He gets a smooch.

Ben Z. gets the group date rose and muchas smoochas of course.

Big, Blonde Clint gets to go on the one-on-one date. First is an underwater photoshoot/make out sesh, then the first of several dinners that will go uneaten. During that dinner Clint tells Kaitlyn she has "all the checklist of dreamwishes he came on here for" or some similar nonsense and he ends up with the rose.

Back at Dude HQ, Tony the Healer is upset about the boxing date. He says fighting like that sends wrong message about love, which should be won with love, not violence. Could he be implying that Kaitlyn is here for the Wrong Reasons?

Group date 2 conists of JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, and Tony and it takes place at The Improv comedy club. The hilarious Amy Schumer is on hand to help the guys write some stand up acts, since Kaitlyn is "the funny one" from the franchise now. Also on hand are comedians Nikki Glaser and Rachel Feinstein.

JJ couldn't be more excited because he's always wanted to do stand-up. He expects to be good at it because he's good at everything else. Amy says JJ is only missing charisma, humility. She completely mocks him to his face, expecially after he says he's smarter than everyone and that gets him in trouble. Amy says not to worry because he's not smarter than anyone there and calls him a "little turd." This is only five minutes after meeting him. How is Kaitlyn not seeing this!?

No one really stands out. Chris the dentist is very nervous, but he uses it well. He also unbuttons his shirt. Oh, and Tony stood out as well, but probably not how he'd hoped. Rather than any jokes, he starts spouting the same spiritual gibberish he always does. Everyone thinks his over sensitive thing is a schtick and he gets a couple polite chuckles. Then they realize he's not kidding and it's crickets. It's Long. Rambling. Awkward. 100% Joke-free.

During some one-on-one times over drinks the Welder tells Kaitlyn that unlike most of the other guys he's a love virgin, he's never been in love. Not a virgin virgin, mind you. He's banged tons of chicks, I'm sure. He just wants Kaitlyn to know he had absolutely no feelings for them whatsoever. He also has to tell Kaitlyn how much his dogs fart, poop and drool. Luckily that's Kaitlyn's sense of humor and she cracks up just at the mere utterance of those words. Poop. heh.

Tony dumps more faux-Zen mumbo jumbo on Kaitlyn. He also tells her he had an immediate connection with Britt Britt, but after today he's also open to a connection with Kaitlyn.

JJ talks about his daughter and tears up a little, which he parlays into a smooch. JJ is this season's over-confident guy who is destined for a huge fall. He probably thinks he's the only guy getting any action.

It's quite the opposite. In fact, Joe gets right to smooching Kaitlyn while JJ's overconfident voice over is still playing. Joe gets some points when he gives Kaitlyn a genuine, Kentucky-style "Well, I'll be" after they make out.

But, JJ does get the rose.

Then he perpetrates one of the cardinal sins of The Bachelorette and steals Kaitlyn right at start of cocktail party. It's a dick move, all the guys agree. JJ justifies it by telling Kaitlyn "Your husband wouldn't be sitting back," letting her talk to other guys just because he already has a rose. Afterwards he makes sure to stop by each huddle of guys to goad them about the move and how he's "not sorry" and he "had to remind her what husband material is." JJ loves the attention from the other guys, even if it is negative. He thinks he's the season's biggest villain. I think he says he ran Brady out of the house? We all think he's a joke without a leg to stand on, right?

Ian tells Kaitlyn his story about being run over and being told he'd never run again. We know the inspiring tale ends with the fact the he did run again. He says the ordeal taught him, "I can accomplish anything I put my mind to. And I'm putting my mind to this." It's an amazingly good line. I wondering if he should've played it this early. I mean that's something you'd hear Tom Cruise say in a monologue when he's trying to win back Jennifer Lawrence at the end of some romcom.

The one person taking JJ seriously is Tony. Tony is just as dumb as JJ though because he's genuinely surprised and frustrated that this reality show is actually a competition and not a transcendental mass orgy/wedding.

Kupah is worried he hasn't made a connection and pulls Kaitlyn aside to blame her for not making an effort to get to know him. She has a pretty strong counter argument though since he's the only guy that didn't talk to her during the boxing date. Kupah tries his next desperate move and plays the race card, basically accusing Kaitlyn of keeping him because he's black and looks good in the group of guys. She says she liked their first meeting, and that she thought they bonded over their love of music. In a way that puts Kupah Troopa's mind at ease. He says he didn't feel like there was a connection until they had this weird talk. Unfortunately, it's exactly the opposite for Kaitlyn who says, "I felt a connection until right now." He fires back, "OK. I didn't expect that." Really? How did you expect her to take you questioning her motives and accusing her of being racist? You can tell King Kupah is not long for this world as the producers put on the goofy music during his back peddling. Kupah gets diarrhea of the mouth saying anything and everything in hopes Kaitlyn will do another 180. "Your eyes are pretty! You're pretty" He might as well be back at the gym talking to a heavy bag. Kaitlyn tells him she needs time to think. He offers up his fist and says, "OK, can we pound? Take as much time as you need it's cool." Yes, let's pound. And thank you for telling me what I can do on the show of which I am the star and sole decision maker.

As Kaitlyn is taking that time she's been allowed by Kupah, he starts mouthing off loudly to the guys recounting the conversation they just had and how Kaitlyn was acting. Kaitlyn overhears, of course, and makes the suprememly easy call of just booting Kupah right then. Kupah is taken by surprise! "Not fair," he says! Kaitlyn's small woman brain is just having a rash womanly reaction, let's just go back inside. He doesn't understand that it's not his decision. He starts emptying the chamber, "I don't want to go home! I think you're hot! We both like movies and movie quotes! Don't you like movie quotes!?" He keeps begging between long sips of his cocktail, but it's to no avail.

Kupah's exit interview seems to be going normally for a few seconds and then he freaks out and starts screaming at the producers. Kaitlyn runs outside and the episode comes to an abrupt end. I've got to be honest, I did not see that coming. I kind of liked being taken by surprise and the Rose Ceremony being postponed a week. Hopefully we'll trim a lot of fat next week with Rose Ceremonies bookending the ep.

Oh man. During the credits we're forecd to watch Britt and Brady who are in love and hanging out every day. Brady says those words every woman wants to hear, "I'm wondering if you'd be my girl." Wow! First she's his girl, maybe they'll be going steady soon! "PLEASE let this be the last time we see them," I said, knowing they'd return on After the Final rose if not sooner.

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 1 Part 2

Night two of the "epic" two-night premiere thankfully goes light on the intro and dumps us right into revealing who the men selected as The Bachelorette.

It ain't Britt Britt. Chris tells her in private, which is kind of unlike this show. I figured whoever lost would be shamed with the chorus of dudes looking on. Britt is absolutely floored that she's less likeable in ANY situation than that some stand-up clown, Kaitlyn. You can see the shock on her face as Chris tells her that, yes, in a subjective, quantitative competition, the woman you think has that engaging personality and sense of humor to make up for being less attractive than you has been chosen by a couple dozen guys as their potential wife OVER you. Britt Britt is sent off privately in a limo, crying. I would love to tell you what she said and I actually rewound the show to see if I could make it out, but without subtitles I could not get one word between sobs. I didn't know if it was one last jab by the producers or if they thought subtitles would be in bad taste, but it was seriously unintelligible. If I were to guess it was like every other exit interview, "I thought this was it. When is it going to happen for me? I just want to find love. etc. etc."

Then Chris gets to break the news to Kaitlyn, only he tries the ol' reality show host switcheroo and begins with "Unfortunately...." Kaitlyn's heart sinks! "I had to send Britt home. You're going to be The Bachelorette." Unfortunately, her competition was sent home and she gets to be on the show? That doesn't make sense, even as a joke. Chris, watch fellow reality host Phil Keoghan on The Amazing Race mat and learn how a pro does the "You're off the show... J/K, you're still in!" switcheroo.

Kaitlyn is surprised and giddy. She does fake caring about how Britt took the news before catching her breath and jumping into the dude soup. Because there will be a Rose Ceremony tonight. How long have these people been UP!? It must be 5AM! Should be easy for Kaitlyn though, right? "Who didn't vote for me? YA GAWN!"

Everyone starts kissing up to Kaitlyn, as they should and must. The Team Britt dudes are confused, nervous and conflicted. Do they stay and join Kaitlyn on this journey or do they bail because they shouldn't take the spot of someone who voted for Kaitlyn? Guys like Tony, Brady and Ratface. Ratface decides to 'fess up and tell Kaitlyn he voted for Britt BUT he still wants to be there. Kaitlyn appreciates the honesty and it makes her want to start finding out who is there for her and who was there for Britt.

JJ tells Kaitlyn about his daughter. I must've missed something amazing he said because Kaitlyn gets WAY into him for some reason.

The Dentist, Chris, decides to go for it  and gets the first smooch of the series. It was kind of off putting because they both knew it was coming but he wouldn't shut up about it so they both had to keep wetting their lips. It looked like two lizards having a staring contest.

As she talks to more guys, Kaitlyn starts to change her tune about Team Britt and says she's ready to reset and not factor in who voted for whom or if the guys are disappointed she's The Bachelorette.

Despite Ratface, the Dentist and welder Chris Soules, Jr. making big strides with Kaitlyn (CSJ gave Kaitlyn the rose he forged from metal. It is pretty awesome.), Ryan Gosling (AKA Shawn B.) gets the First Impression Rose and some smoochin'. It's not surprising if you saw his intro on Monday, but it is surprising because I don't think he's said three words to her.

The First Rose Ceremony is always an exercise in "Who's that?" Daniel? I honestly do not remember a Daniel from Monday. Kaitlyn starts doling out roses, but right in the middle, Brady, the songwriter, stops her and takes her out of the room. He tells her his heart was with Britt and he must go "find her." Chris is waiting outside the house and says he can "hook him up" if he's serious. They walk through the gates off into the sunrise... THE SUNRISE! The SUN is coming UP! Let these men sleep! I am thankful Brady booted himself because now we won't be subjected to any overwrought, banal musical performances.

Who went home? Ian Ziering (who DOES suck), Miguel, stripper Josh and some other white guy. Wikipedia says their real names are Shawn E., David, Josh S. and Bradley.

"Cyuming yup" this season on The Bachelorette: they actually go to interesting places like Ireland, NYC and... The Alamo! There's jealous dudes, feats of strength and... Nick from Andi's season?! That snake in the grass?! It looks like Kaitlyn is super into him too. I soaked my DVR after I deleted this ep just because he showed up. There's dramatic boning and subsequent slut shaming! Yes, Kaitlyn breaks the cardinal rule for women on this show: you must remain chaste and virginal until the men give you permission to do anything but smooch within the Fantasy Suites. Just ask Claire how it turned out for her. We'll burn that bridge when we get to it though.

During the credits Brady, in a limo, rips off a line from Good Will Hunting and says he left because he has to "see about a girl." So glad. So glad he's gone. I just hope he doesn't come back as one of those no-names they always have to dance dates.

Murphy's Blachelorette Blog: Week 1

The pool has been shocked, the house and been hosed down and we've been promised a premiere that's going to be... dramatic!? Drama?! On MY The Bachelorette? It's more likely than you might think...

As you probably remember we're starting this season with TWO Bachelorettes, Kaitlyn, the funny one, and Britt Britt, the stereotypical and crying one. Chris (who after last year's confusing two Chris season will go back to being called Chris) says people have been angry about giving the men the power to choose who The Bachelorette will be. This is a reality show competition that lasts mere weeks where the prize at the end is you enter the timeless and sacred institution of holy matrimony for eternity and THIS is what makes people angry about it? WHY?

After we're reintroduced to Kaitlyn and Britt Britt, the cavalcade of dudes begins. This is why I especially hate the premiere into the first few weeks of this show. Twenty-nine ripped car salesmen is just too many to keep track of. It doesn't help that there are like 6 Ryans this year. I'll run down the basic stats of the dudes. I can't guarantee this is correct, just what I scribbled down during the show.

-Jonathan, from Detroit, is an Automotive Spokesman. Like Matthew McConaughey? Jonathan also has a kid. Later in the show, some other dude will tell one of the Bachelorettes he has a kid, too, but I don't know who it was.

-Joe sells insurance in Kentucky

-Josh is 27 from Chicago and is stripping his way through law school, or more likely studying law until his stripping career takes off.

-Brady is a 33 year old musician from Nashville who is going to punish us several times this season with overly-sentimental, cliche-ridden country-ish songs.

-Joshua is a welder from Idaho. Yes, basically Chris Soules 2.0. He's even from the other "I" state!

-Ian is 28 and lives in Venice, CA. He's a runner who was told he'd never walk again after a near fatal car wreck. He did eventually walk and run again. Nothing snarky here, what am I, an animal?

-Jared is a 26 year old restaurant manager from Rhode Island. I will be referring to him as "Ratface" on the show. I apologize, but it's just the easiest way to remember him at this point. He is also already married to an unfunny joke about his alter ego "Love Man."

-Tony is 35, from St. Louis, and has the first made-up profession flash on the screen this season: "Healer." He is shown talking to plants and stretching people. He also has severe dark circles under his eyes or was recently socked, possibly by an unhealed plant/NFL player

-Ben is a 26 year old personal trainer from San Jose. The Bachelorette producers force him to stare at a picture of his deceased mother for an inordinate amount of time during his intro package.

-Ben H. does something with software and is 26 and lives in Denver.

That's 10 guys so far and ZERO dadbods!

We're to the point now where Kaitlyn and Britt have pulled up to the Bachelor Pad in their separate limos and had a chat with Chris in his ultra-skinny, super slim fit suit. Now the guys are going through the greeting ritual of trying to seem funny/sexy/charming but usually failing miserably. Some guys greet Kaitlyn first, some guys greet Britt first. Much will be made of this.

Like, Clint, the 27 year old architectural engineer from Chicago goes to Britt first. So does Ryan B., the 27 year old realtor from Florida. So does Ratface. Kaitlyn is feeling dejected and "nervous" about being chosen as the one true Bachelorette.

Out of the limo steps Kupah, a 32 year old entrepreneur from Boston who I haven't decided whether to nickname King Kupah or Kupah Troopa... he goes to Britt first. As does Brady, the singer.

Just when I'm starting to think this may not be the producers' trademark clever editing, Cory, a developer from Texas exits the limo and saunters up to Kaitlyn! So does Ian! And JJ, a former investment banker and hockey hobbyist who brings Kaitlyn a puck and says he wanted to "puck you." Cheesy to you and me, sure, but you gotta admit, that's a total Kaitlyn joke.

Then Ryan M. makes his entrance. I didn't know it at the time, but I was meeting my favorite Bachelorette character since Craig. Ryan M. is 28 and runs a junkyard or something in Kansas City. He is Team Kaitlyn. Just how much Team Kaitlyn, we'll soon find out.

Bradley is a 25 year old Auto shipper from Georgia and makes a Kaitlyn-approved "Love-Love match" tennis joke. Josh does his stripper dance. Joe brings a jar that he SAYS is Kentucky moonshine, but judging from the swigs he and Kaitlyn take it in no way actually is moonshine.

Now Britt is feeling insecure because he river of dudes has dried up and Kaitlyn is swimming not only in dudes, but dudes with gifts. Like Shawn B. aka Ryan Gosling Stunt Double (RGSD). He's a personal trainer from Connecticut and you can tell he's something because he gets his own special music and he tells Kaitlyn she's "the reason why I'm here."

At this point Kaitlyn runs inside to throw the men a little red meat. Britt Britt says it's in bad form and "unfair," but she's probably just upset she didn't think of it first.

David, 26, real estate, Florida and Corey, 30, banker, NYC sneak in under the guise of not really having personalities interesting enough at this point to feature on the show.

In the house, Ryan M. is getting even more tanked than he probably was when he got out of the limo! It's hilarious in the way that people I would despise if I encountered them in real life sometimes are. He goes on and on about how he's drinking straight Fireball whiskey and he's so "horned up!" All of the other guys get judgy and  holier-than-thou, clutching their pearls, saying "Oh, my! I believe that gentlemen has over-indulged! I would NEVER!" I'll admit that this is neither the time nor place, but don't act like you're Carrie Nation (I Googled "famous prohibitionists").

Ryan M. gets more awesome when Shawn E. aka Ian Ziering pulls up in a hot tub car. It's exactly what it sounds like. A convertible sealed up to hold water and be driven around. This guy is 31, red-faced, puffy, Canadian and calls himself an Amateur Sex Therapist, which is the Canadian way of saying he'll watch you have sex for free and he has to introduce himself to his neighbors when he moves. While the ladies are cooing over the "car pool" Ryan M. says what we're all thinking, "That car sucks!" Text does Ryan's delivery no justice. When Shawn E. says, "OK, buddy, we'll talk inside," Ryan fires back a simple but brilliant, "No we won't!" I mean, I'm still laughing at his inflection. It's perfect. Kaitlyn says Ryan M. would get the Worst Impression rose, which I'm suggesting they actually introduce next season.

FINALLY, the parade of dudes ends with ANOTHER Ryan in a cupcake car. We still have another hour of this?! TWO if you count Tuesday!

Inside, Kaitlyn is her usual self and opens with a joke. Britt Britt does not approve. This first huddle is a chance to say what you're about and say stuff like "right reasons" and "journey," NOT do stand up. Britt implies that this proves Kaitlyn is not serious about this process.

Both start connecting with guys in that usual first night cocktail party kind of way. Britt pretends she likes kids. She regurgitates some mumbo jumbo back to Tony the Healer. Somedude asks Kaitlyn about her tattoos. She's so excited to talk about them because Chris Soules NEVER asked her about them. Yeah, they're your run-of-the-mill bird tattoo. Like, 8  out of 10 girls your age have them. Mark McGrath has them! Google Mark McGrath bird tattoo right now if you don't believe me.

Elsewhere, Ian Ziering confronts Ryan M. about disrespecting his entrance and once again Ryan M. delivers the goods. Ryan has no memory of the event but assures Shawn E. that he DOES suck. "Everything about you." Shawn E. can tell when he's bested and starts to walk off. Ryan M. still wants to know what he's talking about and tries to turn him back around by grabbing his shoulder. At this point a dude must say what Ian Ziering says, "Don't lay a hand on me ever again." Any chance of an actual physical altercation is quickly extinguished by Shawn who runs off sarcastically saying he's scared of Ryan, which looks exactly the same as if he were actually scared... because he is.

Any entertainment in this episode came strictly from Ryan. Without him it would've been two boring hours. He does a striptease, gets in the pool in his undies, walks around the house mostly naked and dripping wet. Some dudes try to ask him what the deal with Shawn E. was and Ryan comes back with the hilariously untrue, "I've never had a problem with anybody before..." being sure to add, "but that guy sucks." His use of the word "sucks" has reinvigorated me. I feel like I've never said it before. It's like a whole new word with gravitas it's never had before.

But, Ryan, who is still HORNED UP!, starts getting handsy and grabby with Kaitlyn, at one point holding her on the couch by her face. He steps over the line, however, when he smacks Kaitlyn's ass. That's when a giant bodyguard I've nicknamed Uncle Vito informs Ryan he's been called to the Dean's office. Chris Harrison tries his best to add a little weight to the situation by saying stuff like "it's obvious you're not here for sincere reasons." Are those like "right reasons?" Why did he say it that way? But, Ryan simply does not care. He got a night of free drinks and that's a win in his book. Also, as it's been revealed, he's the ex-boyfriend of Juan Pablo's season's winner Nikki, so he was a plant all along.

After 15 minutes of vote rose counting, big surprise we have to wait until night TWO to find out who the dude's chose. Oh, and don't worry, Ryan's vote won't count because he just threw a flower at the wall and walked out of the voting room.

Murphy's Blachelor Blog: After the Final Rose

Not too much to say about After the Final Rose. What a nice change that is from the LAST Bachelor. Even the shockingest shock that ever shocked they teased for three hours didn't turn out to be a big deal.

CH hits Chris early on with a great question. As Mama Soules said in the finale, the whole thing really was up to Becca. So, what if Becca WAS ready and said "I love you, moving van will be there Monday." Chris nails it and says, "There were a lot of 'what ifs'" in this experience and he's not looking back, he's ready to move forward. He's comfortable lying like this because Whitney told him she ONLY watched the parts of the show she was on. Anyone believe that?

When Becca comes out, everything still seems cool. She wasn't ready for it to end, but not ready for a proposal. What she is ready for after the experience is finding love, because I guess she has some inkling of what that is now. Chris tells CH his feelings for Becca were never about "the chase" of what his brother-in-law called the "girl at the bar no one can go up and talk to."

When Whitney makes her big debut, it's the same ol' "we don't have to be secret anymore" stuff. Chris reveals a little too much about how he wanted to marry someone exactly like sisters, like, for instance, his sisters. Hey, Iowa has rednecks too. Speaking of which, we get an extended post-engagement scene where Chris and Whitney talk extensively about making babies with Chris' parents. This is probably pretty normal farm talk. Like they are talking about planting crops or putting up fences. "Well, I reckon you'll want to get started sirin' before March, else the birthin' interfere with the harvest."

After her stupid/profound non-answer to being invited to Bachelor in Paradise last week, Ashley S. sort of commits to showing up.

Jimmy Kimmel shows up to deliver us from boredom and asks all the questions we're not supposed to want to know as viewers, like, "Are you making love regularly?" He also gives them something they can use on that "horrible farm you're moving too," a cow named Juan Pablo. CH's makes an "Iss OK" joke that goes criminally overlooked. 

So, that shocking moment? Just like Chris, Bachelor Nation and Producer Nation couldn't decide who they wanted to be the next Bachelorette: Britt Britt (smattering of applause) or Kaitlyn (deafening applause). I think the producers assumed the audience would be as split as we all supposedly are. Britt? There are people who think Britt would be a good Bachelorette? Well, anyway the twisty twist is that Britt AND Kaitlyn are the next Bachelorettes. There will be TWO Bachelorettes for the first time in Bachelorette history. Of course, longtime viewers will remember they did this same thing for season 6 of The Bachelor in 2004. I guess the producers also expected the announcement to take a hell of a lot longer because Britt and Kaitlyn stand there laughing awkwardly while CH STRETCHES for time asking each of them alternately "What do you think of this?" "What do you expect?" "What do you think of this?" "What do you expect?" All we can really expect right now is for the 25 men to choose which one of them gets to be The Bachelorette on the first episode and then the rest of the episodes to be like every other season. 

Until then, I'll try to keep this blog updated with interesting things... and see you in paradise!

Murphy's Blachelor Blog: The Finale

Two nurse enter. One nurse leave.

It's The Bachelor fin-ah-lay as Chris Harrison (CH) keeps saying in the live cut-ins from the After the Final Rose studios. Sometimes these are just people clapping into commercial, sometimes they are just a chance for CH to spout more hyperbole about this being the "wildest season," or about the "shocking" twist coming that the "whole country will be talking about tomorrow," or how the studio in which everyone is sitting is "standing room only."

When we do finally jump in, Whitney is up first to meet the fam in Arlington, IA. She's planning on telling one or all of them that she's in love with Chris. Whitney is personable and outgoing, which makes everyone comfortable immediately. She gives a toast at lunch that even brings dear ol' dad to tears. As my wife Sara said, "if you make dad cry, you've won."

In her final interview with Chris' sisters they continue to harp on making sure the women are ready to move to Arlington (pop: -3). Whitney says she'd move there with "no hesitation." Chris' sisters can't imagine anyone being better than Whitney for Chris. He has a tough time explaining to his sisters the difference between the two relationships, but it's pretty clear to me. Whitney and Becca represent the two things men love, the sure thing (Whit) and the chase (Becca). It's something that CH and one of Chris' bros will also point out later on. Chris' explanation about what he loves about Becca is stumbling and mumbling, but he's very straightforward about Whitney. Chris has an equally tough time explaining what he loves about Becca to the boyz in the fam.

Whitney, having already put dad in tears, also makes quick work of Mama Soules. How could a mom say "no" to someone who wants to call her "mom?" She's sold.

Later on Everybody Loves Whitney, the family's expectations are unsurprisingly low as Becca comes to visit. She starts winning them over with some killer Arlington humor. During Becca's sister interview (sisterview?) she tells them she wouldn't move to Iowa right away, they'd do the long-distance thing until she's sure he's the one. The sisters tell Chris he needs to push her a little to get some answers and get past their relationship hurdles. 

Those hurdles of course are what's known as "rational thought." I get so immersed in the world of the show that when someone makes it seem like they are not take-a-bullet-for-you in love with someone after 4 weeks, it seems irrational. When Becca says she's not ready for the relationship to end but she's not ready for a proposal, that's a perfectly rational place to be after a month or two! But, inside the physics of the show, it's a problem.

It's also very diplomatic and political of Becca to put it that way. It's the kind of response you expect after asking anyone these days if they're running for President. Becca is equally political when talking about Whitney to Mama Soules. She sort of paints Whitney as blindly rushing in to the relationship. "She's ready to get married, have babies, move here," as if Whitney would marry anything that's breathing and move to where it is. 

Mama Soules hits the nail on the head when she tells Becca whoever Chris ends up with is up to her. Becca just has to say the word. Her last chance is during her last date with Chris in the romantic Al Capone Suite in the nicest hotel they could find in Dubuque. She tells Chris she doesn't know why she's not in love. She won't put anything on a timeline when he asks where she wants to be in 5 years. This is a classic committophobe line, I know because I still use it to this day. It's a defense mechanism, but is also super-realistic. Sure I can tell you where I'd like to be in 5 years, but if it's 1 or 10 or 50 that's fine too. You don't have to compare when you achieve your hopes and dreams to when anyone else achieves theirs. 

But, I digress. Becca is noncommittal because she's in uncharted territory. Even when talking to Mama Soules she kept describing the feelings and actions of someone who is in love, but they were alien feelings to her. She's never been this close to a guy before. Chris seems mostly satisfied after their talk, but still obviously has no idea what he's going to do. Take a chance on Becca's potential or bet on Whitney's sure thing?

Whitney's last date- Wait. That was really Becca's whole last date? A latenight chat with Chris in the Al Capone Suite? Whitney gets to go harvesting with Chris and his dad in some of his expensive farm equipment. She goes on a tour of Arlington with Chris that sounds like when Mufasa tells Simba what makes up the Pride Lands in The Lion King. "Look, Whitney, everything the light touches is our kingdom," (a joke I'm sure I also made here when Chris took Andi to Arlington). Chris takes Whitney to his house, which looks considerably better decorated since Andi was there. Later at their nighttime date (How long is this date? See what a raw deal Becca got?!), Chris asks Whitney what makes her so certain he's the one. She gives some pretty good answers about it being unspoken, "It just is," how comfortable she is around him. Chris says, "Everything you said, I reciprocate," which is as close as he's contractually able to get to saying "I love you," at this point. He does add a "no matter what happens," as the date comes to a close, which must have been the producers trying to inject at least a little drama.

The day of begins, as always, with a montage of contemplative stares as Chris gets ready and the women think "God, I wish I was in the Bahamas." Chris meets with Neil Lane who makes no bones about hating every second he's forced to be in the desolate wasteland of Iowa. 

CH meets up with Chris at the barn he was born in and the first limo pulls up. Out steps...

Becca. Chris gives her the classic "You're not really ready" dodge. Becca seems fine with the situation. I don't doubt that she and Chris both wanted it to happen, and maybe on a long enough timeline (sorry, Becca!) it would have, but wanting it to happen just wasn't enough.

That means Whitney is up next. She's shaking and CH tries to attribute it to nerves, but we know it's because she's wearing nothing but a gown in negative temperatures and the sun is setting on the frozen tundra of Siberia's sister city, Arlington, Iowa (pop: -32F). Of course, Whitney starts talking immediately and forever. Eventually Chris says "I love you," proposal, final rose, "We're engaged!" etc. But, what happens AFTER the Final Rose???
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