Murphy Watches The Bachelorette: Week 11
The Bachelorette Epic 2-Part Finale (BE2PF) Pt. 2 picked up right where BE2PF Pt. 1 left off. Des sits down with Chris Harrison in Antigua after letting Brooks go to do more crying mixed with backpedaling. The kind of backpedaling one might do after putting all of her eggs, perhaps quite literally, in one basket. A basket that looks like Johnny Depp and Skeet Ulrich had a love child.
We get to the rose ceremony that we didn't get to in BE2PF Pt. 1 because, y'know, crying. Des tells the remaining dudes, Drew and Chris that Brooks left and does more backpedaling saying she always treated each relationship "individually." But, Brooks was just more individual than anyone else I guess... The producers do their best making two dudes and two roses seem like a big deal by making Des put more emphasis on the rote "Will you accept this rose?" question and indicating it's the last chance out for these guys to Brooks her (yes, Brooks is now a verb).
Drew goes on his last Date with Des and she must REALLY hate the way he handles a horse because she immediately says she's not feeling it with him. Drew is hopelessly oblivious to anything out of the ordinary, like a Old Yeller being led out... well, you know... So she dumps drew, like, 10 minutes into their date. He's "crushed," "confused," and wearing shiny, purple shorts. The women in the live Bachelor audience quiver with sympathy.
Des starts off Chris' last date saying it just FEELS different than being with Drew. Then she calls him adorable and gets him excited by telling him their going on a BOAT! YAY! So, Chris has the mind of a 5-year-old boy. Des explains that her feelings for Chris were clouded by her feelings for Brooks and now that he's out of the picture she can see things clearly. The speed at which things "changed drastically" is "hard to accept," according to Des. But, she says, "sometimes life is hard to accept." Yeah, I guess finding your one true love in a field of 30 random dudes in 9 weeks AND coming to the realization in 9 hours that you want to spend the rest of your life with one of them is hard to accept... like life. But, Des and Chris know they are meant to be together forever because, in their words, they can be, like, "Hey, what's up?" I hope they put that in their vows.
Chris gives Des a journal filled with poems. I was hoping they were Zak's awesome poems, but it turns out it's filled with Chris' awful poems.
It's time for Chris to meet the fam (he still has no idea he's the only dude left, BTW), which includes DES' BROTHER, NATE! OK, here we go. We're in a foreign country, with possibly questionable extradition laws when it comes to murder. Plenty of places to ditch a body.... Nate starts grilling Chris on the SHAM that is The Bachelor and Bachelorette and Chris has... satisfying answers... He explains how TV dating is like regular dating. He's been prepped. Is Des' brother jetlagged? I was hoping for Sean Lowe style fireworks and instead got a docile Nate. Maybe it's the tropical locale? Anyway, Nate AND Des' Dad give the OK so it's off to Neil Lane™!
With Neil Lane™ ring in hand, Chris heads to a beautiful Antiguan hillside where Des is waiting and begins his eloquent proposal. Right as he's about to get down on one knee, Des stops him. She confesses that she sent Drew off early and reiterates that she loved Brooks but her feelings for him were clouding her feelings for Chris. It is a good line. Chris shouldn't have to wait until the finale airs to hear it. She accepts Chris' eventual proposal. Then the script goes into romcom territory with stuff like "It was right in front of my face" and "a thousand times yes." Des also really hammers home the fact that she plans on growing old with Chris. REALLY old. O-L-D.
Because I could feel myself aging after the BE2PF Pt. 2 I didn't watch the After the Final Rose special. But, Juan Pablo is the next Bachelor. Since he spent all of 5 minutes on screen this season, I predict he will be a big boring Ben-like bachelor, but like Ben the ladies won't care AND he'll have a sexy Spanish accent, making them EXTRA not care.
I was pulling for you, James.
Thanks for reading my Bachelorette blog! Stay tuned to this space for more interesting stuff.
Murphy Watches The Bachelorette: Week 10
The picture accompanying this blog isn't a still. It's a live shot. Des is STILL crying in Antigua.
In part one of the "thrilling" two-part finale, Chris, Drew and Brooks head to the Caribbean for their final dates with Desiree. Drew is up first. He and Des visit what looks like an ABC-manufactured street carnival where we find out the shocking truth... that Drew has no idea how to limbo. Some island weirdo demands that they kiss for him in return for a palm-leaf thatched heart. That's no problem because all they do is kiss. A nice dinner was planned outside, but 1.) It's raining and B.) Eating only takes up valuable time Drew and Des could be kissing. Amazingly, Drew is offered and accepts the Fantasy Suite card. Still can't believed they just skipped dinner like that.
Before Chris' date Brooks takes a solo date to Boise to see his mom and sister where he says he feels uncomfortable thinking about proposing to Des. He sounds like a real commit-o-phobe... foreshadowing?
Back in Antigua, Chris makes the fatal mistake of quoting Savage Garden saying he's "truly, madly, deeply" in love with Des. Really, Chris? Why didn't you just say "I can't wait to tell Des I Want You and I Knew I Loved You To The Moon and Back and if you Hold Me Chained to You it'd be The Best Thing.... Universe." Rather than kick him to the curb right then, he and Des do a satisfactory recreation of "From Here to Eternity" on the beach and then head to dinner among the screaming death cries of the monkey birds of Antigua. The wildlife was loud is what I'm saying. A real "Animal Song" (Now I'M making awful Savage Garden references! Curse you, Chris!). Chris tells Des he wants to stay in Seattle if they end up together and Des says she's open to that. I'm assuming that means as long as her brother doesn't find out where she moves to. Chris and Des retire to the Fantasy Suite to "watch the stars" all night. I checked and that's NOT a Savage Garden song. Whose fantasy is watching stars? You know we're not getting out of Chris' potential last date without another poem, so he reads that and it just makes me miss Zak.
Brooks is up next and he is obviously Des' #1 choice. His first date is with Chris Harrison where he comes clean about not being 100% sure Des is the girl for him. Chris says he's gotta man up and tell Des himself. Waiting for that moment was like waiting for a bomb to go off. You know that it's coming and as Des is smiling, bounding up the beach towards Brooks you're just cringing knowing what's about to explode. Over the next 40 minutes of crying, Brooks tells Des he doesn't love her. Des tells Brooks she loves him. He indicates that this is information that would have been handy if brought to his attention YESTERDAY! She says she couldn't say it (it's implied that this is contractual). Des says "I don't care that you just broke my heart. I love you." So, Des is every girl ever. Every word Brooks says only digs his grave deeper and he says "sorry" more times in 40 minutes than anyone has said "right reasons" in the entire SEASON! He tries to hug and console Des, but he'd get more warmth from a block of ice at this point. (Side note: Those heartbeats when they hug are added in post, right? They seem way too loud.)
Des later admits she loves the other two guys about as much as Brooks loved her. How are they going to fill another two hours next week? No idea, but I think Chris' and Drew's worlds are about to "Crash and Burn."
Murphy Watches The Bachelorette: Week 9
If ABC had any sense they'll make James the next Bachelor, just to be funny. Can Des' brother and James be co-Bachelors? They can all go out on Mikey's boat in Chicago and meet tall, rich women!
Also, there is nothing better than the crowd reaction shots during these shows. The woman pictured was lovingly dubbed on twitter "Shocked Granny." I think SHE should be the next Bachelorette.
The Men Tell All special, which precedes the two-part finale, was essentially a chance for everyone to get together and talk about this season's drama in the same circles they talked during the show's filming. Oh, and they made it a full FIVE SECONDS before someone said "right reasons."
I'll be honest, too. I DVR'd the show and fast forwarded through the first 20 minutes. No exaggeration. It was just Des and Chris surprising Bachelorette viewing parties and Des seeking advice from former contestants, including Emily Maynard.
Then 20-something dudes suddenly appeared on stage with Chris Harrison in their weird clear plastic chairs. The group consisted of about 16 "Who?"s. Some guys didn't even speak during the whole show. Ben and James got booed when they were introduced and Juan Pablo got a raucous applause despite having been on camera a total of 30 minutes the entire season. Brian, the guy with the secret girlfriend didn't show up. An even bigger bummer? Neither did Soulja Boy!
Ben was the first in the hot seat and somehow came off way shadier than he did during the show. Ben was mistrusted by all of the guys and has a son. He was browbeaten out of the competition by Michael during a 2-on-1 date. One of the "who?"s says he was approached by Ben's babymamma in Las Vegas and told him Ben ended up with a baby because he cheated on his girlfriend with her.
James, aka the bully in every 90's teen movie, was next in the hot seat and somehow made a whole lot of sense despite being aggressively cross-examined by the peanut gallery. James is the guy who was overheard talking with another contestant about their future after the show, and possibly being the next Bachelor. You gotta hand it to him. The man sticks to his story even if it makes him look awful in the eyes of the show. But, I GET IT! The Bachelor and -ette are reality competition shows. They have a 16% success rate of couples sticking together! James not thinking about what might happen if he gets off the show is like telling a Hell's Kitchen contestant they have to stop cooking when they get voted off! We live in a world where you don't have to win American Idol anymore to BE an American Idol. James and his convo partner Mikey were being realists, saying, "If Des likes guys like Brooks, we are not long for this world. If we get sent packing wanna hang out sometime? We'll be kinda famous!" Did James stay longer than he should have? Probably. Was he there, at least initially for the... ugh... "right reasons?" As much as any of the other guys. That's my final verdict.
Zak sat in the hot seat and continued to come off as a surprisingly normal guy. He admitted he's still in love with Des and probably always will be. Take notes, James. This is how you set yourself up to be the next Bachelor.
Des came out and got an apology from the guy who got the boot on the first night after he tried to lock her in his "Fantasy Suite." It was his third apology of the night. Des tells James he manipulated her (true). Then she told Zak he went out with yesterday's garbage because he's too positive and he smiles too much. Unlike the rest of the world Zak told Des he "gets it." Then he sang a song he wrote for her. Like all of Zak's art, from the poems to the drawings and all the other songs... I didn't hate it! For a reality show star, he's actually not awful and cheesy!
We get a little preview of the "dramatic two part finale" to end the show. Des is crying. The guys are crying. Someone has a ring. More crying. My guess is that Des holds out for Brooks who doesn't end up proposing (or maybe even leaves early). Unless I'm mistaken he's the only one who hasn't said those three words ("right reasons, yo"). My other guess is that the top 3 are brutally dispatched by Des' brother.
Murphy Watches The Bachelorette: Week 8
If ABC has any sense, the next season of The Bachelor will feature Desiree Hartsock's brother and it will take place entirely in a maximum security prison.
Only a four dudes and a few more weeks left and that means HOMETOWNS!
We start in Dallas where Zak is from. You know you're in for a boring ride when someone says "I gotta tell you about this dream I had," which is what Zak says to Des when they first meet up. Turns out his boring dream is just a dumb lead in to introducing Des to the fact that Zak's family are SnoCone magnates of the Dallas Metroplex area. They feed some kids at a school flavored ice and Zak puts on a penguin suit. Not a tux, I mean a giant, penguin mascot outfit. We meet the Mark Cubans of Kona Ice that are Zak's family and they seem fine (that is, boring). They sing a song to Des which is as awkward as when a roomful of people sing Happy Birthday to you x 10,000,000. That's her reaction in the pic accompanying this blog post.
I was not a fan of Zak initially (he is the guy who got out of the limo shirtless on the first night and asked "Will you accept these abs?" afterall...). But, he's turned out to be a normal guy in a jock's body. Maybe it's because I'd only had one glass of red wine at this point, but I thought he had the best hometown date.
Next we visited Drew's family in Scottsdale, AZ. The first thing Des says to Drew is "You look so cute! You're adorable!" Attn: Ladies. Those are not compliments to guys. Drew has a sister that is severely mentally disabled and meeting her seemed rough for everyone. Drew has a great family too. It's obvious he's a supremely well-adjusted guy and his character really shone through on his hometown date. He's never been a frontrunner to me and I'm not sure he's in Des's top 2, but he'll probably make a great Bachelor.
Chris is from McMinnville, OR and this is the first time anyone has cared about McMinnville, OR. He's been my wife Sara's and my favorite for a while now. He just LOOKS like he belongs with Desiree. They play baseball and Des is actually a really impressive ball player. Chris's dad asks Des if she'd like to be adjusted and then lays her down on his bed... but it's OK because Chris's dad is a chiropractor and he makes Des's body crack and pop in all sorts of odd manner. Then he does this thing to Chris that looked painful but I kind of want to try it! He stuck this weird balloon up Chris's nose and inflated it! It was crazy but I bet the after effect was amazing! Anyone ever have this balloon nose treatment!? Let me know! As much as I like him Chris didn't have the best hometown... might have been the worst...
In Salt Lake City, UT we meet Brooks and his giant family. Brooks has been the anti-Chris to Sara and me all season long. It kind of makes sense though that I think Brooks and Chris are Desiree's top 2 (they're pretty much all Chris asks about before the rose ceremony). Chris is kind of grounded and Brooks is more adventurous. But, I liked Brooks' family immediately. They seemed so happy and loud! I liked them all EXCEPT the guy that asked Brooks, "Can she hang with you?" Shut up.
Back in LA, Desiree's awesome brother shows up and basically threatens to assault the dudes in one way or another and expose this whole thing for the sham it is. We get to see a flashback of him throwing down with Sean last season, which is bascially the reason Des was sent packing. He totally wusses out though and it only shown lurking in the shadows of the swanky hotel, watching the dudes. Waiting... Plotting... Let's hope he's planning something awesome for when Des brings the dudes home to meet her surprisingly nerdy parents.
After some small talk with Chris, where Des admits she's usure about Chris after his hometown (I TOLD you. You BLEW IT, dude!) it's time for the Rose Ceremony. Des is in her finest dress designed by partners Slim Goodbody and Jay Gatsby and give the red stuff to Brooks (of course), then Chris (phew!), and then... Drew? It just goes to show you, the second I start liking ANY reality show contestant they immediately get voted off. I really thought Zak had the best hometown date. He even gave her a ring he bought in Atlantic City (which he later tosses out of the limo onto the mean streets of LA). Could he be the next Bachelor? Seems like a good bet to me, since hometowns is where we've gotten the last couple stars.
Next week: The Men Tell All special when we'll hear the phrase "right reasons" 37,000,000,000 times.
Murphy at the Movies: The Lone Ranger
I love going to the movies. I try to see at least one for every week of the year and I usually end up seeing more than that. I'll review most of them here and on my podcast I Heard That Was Good.
For my inaugural review I thought I'd start with a huge 4th of July release that may go down as the biggest bomb of the year: The Lone Ranger.
Armie Hammer stars as the title character who starts out as John Reid, a lawyer moving back home. He, his brother and an entire posse are gunned down chasing a notorious fugitive. Reid is rescued by an Indian, Tonto, played by Johnny Depp. Tonto gives the reluctant Reid his iconic mask and the two uncover a plot involving Indian land, silver and the rail road.
Disney picked a relative unknown for what should have been the lead role in this movie so Johnny Depp's latest "act weird and call it acting" stunt wouldn't be overshadowed. Because it really is that week. The humor is hammy and broad and mostly just consists of Depp mugging and shrugging at the camera.
The movie is also told through a really tiring and unneccesary flashback device that constantly interrupts the action for no good reason than to feature a super-annoying child actor and Johnny Depp made up to look super old (funny?).
There are a couple of exciting action sequences, one in the beginning and one at the end, but nothing that makes the movie redeemable. At two-and-a-half hours, I'm not surprised that the movie didn't connect with audiences. Maybe Disney should have called it The LONG Ranger?
I give The Lone Ranger a Willy Wonka and a Jack Sparrow out of five possible Goofy, One-Dimensional Johnny Depp Characters.